Riffrolling: R.O.T.O.R.

Stats

R.O.T.O.R.

Directed by Cullen Blaine

1987

Riffers: Mike J. Nelson, Bill Corbett, Kevin Murphy

Premise / Genre

Terminator is a cool movie. Robocop is a cool movie. Let’s make a Terminator Robocop movie!

Movie Poster

Pretty damn cool.

Dross to Gold

In this excruciatingly bad movie, Mike, Bill, and Kevin offer their trademark acerbic commentary. This remains one of my favorite Rifftrax commentaries. The utter badness of R.O.T.O.R. in part lies with its artistic ambitions that fail in such a spectacular fashion. In essence a low-budget knock-off of both Terminator and Robocop, it becomes compounded by broad acting, tonal whiplash, and directorial incompetence.

With a rising crime rate, we follow our unlikely hero Barrett Coldyron (Richard Gesswein), a Houston-area cop roboticist. He leads an equally unlikely gang of idiots in the development of R.O.T.O.R. (Robotic Officer Tactical Operations Research). Don’t worry, more technical gobbledygook will follow. To create this Totally-Not-A-Robocop involves nerdy nebbish Houghtaling (Stan Moore), Willard, a wisecracking robots who wears a police hat, and Shoeboogie (actor unknown) a Native American (allegedly) janitor (allegedly). Coldyron is no mere Texas cop roboticist, but one fond of quoting John Milton, and offering his internal affairs interrogators lengthy passages of cowboy poetry.

Michael Hunter plays Coldyron’s bête noire Earl Bugler, a long-winded hardass who sports a hideous toupee and rage-drinks a Dr. Pepper. The telephone conversation between Bugler and Colyron is a masterpiece in cinematic badness. Bugler comes across as both furious and boring, trading nonsensical quips with Coldyron. It’s like Zippy the Pinhead punched up a Clint Eastwood script. Dirty Harry meets Tristan Tzara. Bugler talks smack to Coldyron and Coldyron threatens to “make more noise than two skeletons making love in a tin coffin.”

All is well at the R.O.T.O.R. labs until their Terminator Robocop gets loose. Shenanigans ensue. The Riffers skewer the movie with relentless glee. We learn Bill Corbett enjoys “sculpting reality with flame,” and Kevin Murphy points out directorial laziness / incompetence with both sarcasm and rage. “Is this Sesame Street showing me near and far? CUT AWAY!!!” During a particularly gratuitous section, where Coldyron meets Dr. Coren Steele (Jayne Smith), a brilliant mathematician with a fantastic mullet who looks like a Mortal Kombat character, they check into a motel. Mike comments on how this section of the movie looks like an introductory video for workers in the hospitality industry.

R.O.T.O.R. is a marvel at cinematic pacing. Two movies established the gold standard for Eighties Action Movie pacing: Back to the Future (Robert Zemeckis, 1986) and Big Trouble in Little China (John Carpenter, 1986). R.O.T.O.R. is the exact opposite. The riffers remark on how Cullen Blaine “establishes the hell out of” normal morning Coldyron experiences. The editing is flaccid, lazy, or, at best, competent. We’re in this gray zone between Made-for-TV Movie and Regional Filmmaker territory. This is less low-budget Robocop and more marginally-better Time Chasers.

But much like a gem, R.O.T.O.R. anti-brilliance is multifaceted. On top of the terrible acting and abysmal pacing is the script. Or what passes for one. Apart from the narrative beats establishing a high-octane techno-thriller, there’s moments of sheer absurdity and bewilderment. These aren’t cases of regional vernacular that don’t register. Here are some random quotes (courtesy IMDB):

Context: Man and Woman arguing in a car about an upcoming honeymoon.

“You look like you got both eyes coming out of the same hole!”

Context: Coldyron briefing a panel of experts (?) and explaining his futuristic robotic invention.

“Remember what I said at R.O.T.O.R.’s christening? First prototype of a future battalion, on the battlefield highways of the future. He’ll be the judge, jury, and executioner. Now, I’ve got to wonder: Were we playing God, breathing life into our artificial Adam? Or have we lost sight of paradise? What was it Milton said? “Did I request thee, maker, from my clay to mold me man? Did I solicit thee from darkness to promote me?” Is it his fault he is what he is? Or is it ours?”

Context: Shoeboogie sexually harassing Kipster.

Kipster: Shoe Boogie, you’re like, going too far!

Shoeboogie: [Sticks unlit cigarette in mouth] Another paleface grindin’ his heel in the poor Indian’s face. Thank God my sainted ancestors have gone off to the happy hunting grounds and ain’t around to see this. This… racism.

Kipster: You’re not an Indian.

Shoeboogie: Look at these cheekbones, baby! Either I’m an Indian or I’m a sissy. And well, since, uh… I must be an Indian!

But wait! There’s more! When R.O.T.O.R., the Totally-Not-Robocop, goes on a murderous rampage, Cullen Blaine offers up a vomit-tornado of bad movie spectacle. The Not-Robocop enacts Texas Justice with a monomaniacal fanaticism that would make Judge Dredd blush or Joe Don Baker drop his ham sandwich. Going over the speed limit? Death sentence. Jaywalking? Death sentence. In literary theory, this is called a motif.

Having escaped the bullets of Not-Robocop, Sony Garren (Margaret Trigg) flees in her car. Eventually, she arrives at a diner to lay low. (Personal aside: For as many times as I’ve seen this movie, I thought her name was Sonya Garrett. Add dismal ADR work to the list of cinematic crimes.) When Not-Robocop arrives at the diner, he takes off his sunglasses and sees what happens in the past. Sonysucceeds in escaping by crippling Not-Robocop. Her secret weapon: laying on a car horn. Mike is quick to point out how this futuristic robot that can see through time is immobilized by car horns. The gulf between a superpower and its defeat is mindboggling.

Not-Robocop pursues his prey at the diner and then a car mechanic. In both scenes there are depictions of, shall we say, Redneck-Americans that are less than flattering. How unflattering? They make the depiction of the Vietnamese in The Deer Hunter look culturally sensitive. And these are Texas filmmakers creating this movie, not a bunch of elitist woke East Coast film school nerds. (“New Yawk City?”) The cook at the diner is a bucktoothed idiot hick straight out of a Deliverance casting call. Does Cullen Blaine secretly hate Texas?

Our Not-Robocop is finally defeated when Coldyron teams up with Dr. Steele. Steele tells Coldyron that in order to defeat Not-Robocop, he “has to use his failure against him.” Then, when all is said and done, with Coldyron walking into the sunset, Bugler shoots him in the back with a shotgun. Bugler smirks above Coldyron’s corpse, saying, “Justice C.O.D.” The dark ending seems reminiscent of Chinatown, except a lot stupider.

R.O.T.O.R. falls into the bizarre category of So Bad It’s Confusing.

Hey, you can watch it for free! Check it out!